God letters:Issue 10 - Zamorak does one

Zamorak retaliates! ZAMORAK MAINTAINS HIS VICELIKE GRIP OVER THE LETTERS SPREADING HIS MESSAGE OF HATE AND DESTRUCTION TO THOSE WHO APPRECIATE SUCH THINGS, AND ANSWERS A FEW QUESTIONS IN HIS OWN UNIQUE style INCLUDING A WILDERNESS SURVIVAL GUIDE, AND VALENTINES DAY BLUES...

''Hello, hello, lord of all evil doers. As I read the 9th issue of the Letters on Runescape.com, I found myself surprised and pleased...my god, Zamorak, had returned to communicate with us! As I read over the letters, I found myself laughing with DELIGHT!!! This was the one I worshipped and served, and rightfully so. I want you to know I am personally training everyday to tear apart those followers of the weak and goody-goody "Sardomin" or whatever his goofy name is. Keep blessing, errr, cursing your devoted followers.''

Yours Unruly (NOT truly), Rhl

Thanks for your devotion, but there's nothing worse than a crawler. What were you expecting from me, Full Rune? Drawing inspiration from another wannabe "teacher's pet" (yes you Mr.Blibloner) I have deployed three black dragons, who have all agreed to meet with you for dinner.

O great doer of evil, ''How is it that your weak younger brother has so many followers, who support him by wearing Holy Symobls of Saradomin? Why don't you, in all your putrid glory, have a Holy Symbol of Zamorak? If there is one, please tell me about it, for I will have much reason to worship you further. If Saradomin deserves a holy symbol, why don't you?''

Iamsure

This has undoubtedly been one of the most popular requests. Holy symbols of Zamorak are of course illegal in the Saradominist states of Runescape. But rumour has it that a few have been smuggled in, and can be found in the recently released Observatory Quest.

Dear Zamorak,

''If you think you can just take over, you're wrong, soon i will have my friends sending email to you like there is no tomorrow.  Besides, if you keep this up, there won't be a tomorrow. ''

Your enemy that will not stop until you fail,  Geethor

Dear Enemy,

Thank you for your words of encouragement, it has spurred me on to be far more destructive today than I had planned; I was just going to meet Guthix for a pint. But you're wrong about their being no tomorrow. As a wise old man once told me, "tomorrow never comes".

Except last week, when it came several times. I had the man killed of course.

In reply to the guy complaining about being deceived in the wildy, if you dont wanna lose your items, heres a few ground rules 1. Trust no one 2. Trust No One 3. TRUST NO ONE Then, PKers like me wont have a chance to kill you :-) (big gasp)

A true PKer, Godswarrior

Ah, a PKer with a brain- a rare thing indeed. But I thought the first rule of PKing was "Don't talk about PKing", and the second rule was "DON'T TALK ABOUT PKING!" That's what one of the black knights told me anyway, when we were having a little chat about PKing.

Dear Almighty Zamorak,

Don't you think there should be some sort of safe spots or houses in the wilderness? ''Everytime i go into the wilderness, i almost get killed by level 50 people when im only on level 28! I really need to refuge from these people! Can you erect some sort of house or town or something in the wilderness with your great powers so that you can help your loyal people of the wilderness?''

Darkwarrior8.

For god's sake- all three of us- that's the whole point about the wilderness- it's dangerous! And as much as I despise my brother Saradomin, even he recognises that the wilderness is a place of chaos, death and destruction.

We're not trying to run a theme park here...

''Oh wise and powerful Zamorak, answer my prayer. Grant your followers an ability that allows them to quicken their speed. Perhaps you could make this ability a prayer that uses up points or a skill of agility which uses up fatigue. With this, your followers could make a quick charge into battle (or a hasty retreat away from it!)'' Let evil reign!!!

EricCleric. Hmmm, it's funny you should mention that. I happen to know that the Council of Runescape is toying with the idea of some sort of speed burst or running ability, which would probably induce fatigue. So well done on anticipating this change: Great minds think alike. Fools seldom differ.

Dear fiend of dastardly doings,

''I have been told that in the wilderness at the very end their is full rune that is unreachable unless you have telekinetic grab. Seems as you love the wilderness I thought that you might prove this or disprove this. From what i hear you are ignorant of answering questions but I have a good reason for you to answer this one.''

Well I'm certainly not ignorant of anything. A tad lazy maybe... but since this is a newsletter I can hardly "prove" that this is in fact untrue. I can only "tell you" that it is a blatant lie, presumably designed to lure foolish adventurers towards the mythical bounty, like a sailor to a siren. So full marks to whoever came up with it. ''I am highly dissapointed in you and your brothers did all of the gods fall asleep or lose thier powers. You all forgot Valentines. Just because Runescape is based in Europe doesn't mean that you can't have a American Holiday. I can't believe that 3 omniescient gods forgot Valentines. The worst part is that I didn't know I was wondering for 3 hours before I found out from 12am to 3am. Gods just aren't what they used to be.''

Your unfaithful servant: Zahor

''PS: since you aren't omniscient you probably won't get this message and probably won't do anything. So I have no worries.''

I didn't forget Valentines and nor did Saradomin. We both gave and received Valentines cards, in fact. The one I got was from Saradomin's (now ex) girlfriend- now that's what I call all-powerful! So all you've really told me is that no-one wanted to give YOU anything. In which case I suggest you take a good hard look in the mirror and start asking yourself some difficult questions.

Hey Zamorak

''I want to know if we can be able to do special moves in battle that do a little more damage. I'm not talking about magic or prayer I'm talking about a slash or stab or something.''

Loto50

Yes, when the new game engine update happens it will include weapons with their own special moves. And they'll be a lot more exciting than your piffling little stabs and slashes.

Evil one, I warn you.

''I recently read that multiple player combat would be available in the 3-d version. Most people would think this is a good idea, but i know from experience it is not. Before I played runescape, I played another MMORPG which had this same system and it was great and all, until the game got popular (about as popular as runescape) and the game was filled with dishonest lower lvl. These people would constantly deal just a death blow on the monster your fighting to get the drop...'' Unless you make it so there is an option to turn off multiple player combat for the monsters that particular person is fighting, I urge you not to apply this update, well, stop Andrew from making the update, you have evil powers right?

The details of multi-player fighting are still being decided, but there will be an option to disable multi-player fighting for those who want to fight alone. I do know that the revamped game system will allow us to have a combat system that is very fair and accurate in it's designation of hits and scores. I did try to argue with Andrew against all this fairness, but he wasn't having it.

Dear Saradomin,

''I don't really understand why you need money when you have too much power, but I have a question. How do you pay more than US$5 a month? I don't know why I ask these questions, probably to donate more money, but please tell me how!''

Your naive, Ed Bighead

Ah finally someone who appreciates all the hard work that is done for him. And yes of course you can donate more money. Just make your cheques payable to Zamorak, and I'll be sure to pass on the money to the right people...

Strength through chaos -


 * Zamorak

''DISCLAIMER: The views of Zamorak do not reflect the views of Jagex Ltd or it's employees. We'd ban him, but he's a god. But if you would like to converse with the dastardly one... ''